How to Write a Eulogy for Your Family Of Choice - Eulogy Examples & Tips

Writing a eulogy for someone who was not related by blood but was family by choice feels intimate and important. Chosen family can look like roommates who became siblings, a friend who was always present, a queer family made of friends, or a community leader who held people together. This guide gives a clear structure, real examples you can adapt, and practical delivery tips so your words land honest and true. We explain any terms you might not know and include fill in templates you can use right away.

Who this guide is for

This article is for anyone preparing to speak about a chosen family member at a funeral, memorial, celebration of life, graveside farewell, or virtual gathering. Maybe you were the person they called in a crisis. Maybe you were their partner without legal status. Maybe you were the friend who lived next door for ten years. This guide covers tender, funny, brief, and longer options so you can pick what fits the person and the vibe of the event.

What does family of choice mean

Family of choice refers to people who are not related by blood or marriage but who create family ties through care, loyalty, time, and love. This can include close friends, chosen partners, roommates, mentors, and community members. For many people family of choice is the primary support network. That status affects how you speak about them. You can be intimate and candid because your relationship was built on mutual consent and care.

Terms you might see

• Eulogy A short speech given to honor a person who has died. It focuses on memory, character, and the impact the person had on others.
• Obituary A written notice about a death that includes basic facts such as name, dates, and service information. It is not the same as a eulogy.
• Officiant The person leading a funeral or memorial. They might be a clergy person, a celebrant, or a friend who is guiding the service.
• Order of service A written plan that lists the sequence of readings, music, and speakers at a ceremony.
• Pallbearer A person who helps carry the casket or keeps a symbolic role if there is no casket.
• Hospice Care focused on comfort and quality of life for someone nearing the end of life. Hospice can be provided at home or in a facility.
• LGBTQ An acronym for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer or questioning. People sometimes add I A for intersex and a for asexual. If you use the term, be specific when needed.
• Celebration of life A less formal event that highlights stories, photos, and personal rituals rather than traditional religious format.

Why a eulogy for chosen family can feel different

When the person you are honoring was chosen family the eulogy can be more informal and more personal. You can assume the audience will understand inside jokes and shared history, but remember not everyone will know every story. Balance intimacy with clarity. Your goal is to give listeners a sense of who this person was and how they mattered to you and others.

How long should a eulogy be

Aim for three to seven minutes. That is usually about 400 to 800 spoken words. Shorter is fine. People remember a few vivid details more than a long summary. If multiple people are speaking coordinate times so the entire service stays on schedule.

Choose a tone that fits

Decide whether the tone will be celebratory, solemn, funny, or a mix. Chosen family gatherings often welcome a conversational tone. If someone loved loud jokes and messy stories keep that energy. If they were private and gentle keep the speech quiet and heartfelt. Ask a trusted friend or the organizer if you are unsure.

Simple structure that works

Use this structure to build a speech that is easy to follow and easy to deliver.

• Opening Say your name and your relationship to the person. Offer one sentence about why you are speaking.
• Life sketch Give a brief overview in practical strokes. Focus on roles and habits more than a list of dates.
• Three memories Pick one to three short stories that reveal character. Keep them specific and sensory.
• What they taught others Summarize the lessons, values, or quirks people will miss.
• Closing Offer a goodbye line, a short quote, or a call to action such as lighting a candle or sharing a memory after the service.

How to gather material

Collect stories from friends, partners, and anyone who shared important chapters with the person. Ask for one memory per person to avoid overload. Pay attention to recurring themes. Did everyone talk about the same laugh, the same dish they cooked, the same neighborhood walk? Those repeated notes make for strong material.

Writing the opening

Keep the opening simple. Say who you are and how you knew them. Then say one true sentence that sets the tone. Examples work well to practice aloud until the line feels steady.

Opening examples

• Hi I am Sam. I was Alex s roommate and chosen sibling for the last seven years. Alex made our tiny apartment feel like a festival of plants and terrible coffee.
• Hello everyone. My name is Priya. Maya was my friend since college and my chosen family. She taught me how to say sorry and how to order the best chai in any city.
• Good afternoon. I am Jordan. I loved Kim like family. She kept the community calendar and showed up with a casserole when anyone needed it.

What to include in a life sketch

The life sketch is not a biography. Pick the roles and details that matter for the story you want to tell. If they were a volunteer, a cook, a fosterer of cats, or a nightly phone friend highlight that. Use plain language and avoid listing every job. Make the sketch a scaffold for the stories that follow.

Stories that carry the speech

Stories are the heart of a eulogy. Choose short anecdotes that show character. Keep them specific and avoid inside jokes that exclude. A good story has a small setup, an action, and a moment that explains why it mattered.

Examples of short anecdotes

• When my car died on a rainy night Jamie showed up with a toolkit and a playlist of terrible 2000s hits. We laughed while changing the battery and then Jamie made us grilled cheese to celebrate success.
• Rosa taught everyone to plant vegetables in pots. She would show up with a tomato plant and say we are starting a revolution. At our first harvest she threw a small rooftop dinner and pretended she did not know how proud she was.
• Whenever Ryan heard someone say they were sad he would say that sadness was a weather you could sit under together. He had a way of making hard days tolerable.

Addressing complicated or chosen family tensions

Relationships among chosen family can be layered. You can be honest without being hurtful. Acknowledge complexity if it matters. A short line that recognizes difficulty can feel truthful and humane. You do not need to air private grievances in public.

Examples

• We had our fights about money and boundaries. In time we learned how to ask for what we needed and how to say no. Those lessons were part of our loving.
• We were not perfect. We were messy and loud and often late. Still this person taught me how to show up again after being wrong.

Using humor the right way

Humor can open a room and let people breathe. Use small earned jokes that highlight something true. Avoid anything that could shame family members in the crowd. If a joke is very inside consider adding a one sentence explanation so listeners outside the core group can appreciate it.

Safe humor examples

• If you ever borrowed their jacket you learned the rules. Rule one never return it unwashed. Rule two if you can find a stain add a story about it.
• They could not microwave leftovers without narrating the process like a sports commentator. We all cheered at the beep.

What to avoid

• Do not use the eulogy to start or restart family fights.
• Do not share secrets that would embarrass someone present.
• Avoid reading a long list of achievements without stories to humanize them.
• Do not use clichés without a specific example that proves the line true.

Full eulogy examples you can adapt

Example 1: Roommate turned sibling, 3 to 4 minute version

Hello everyone. I am Sam and I lived with Alex for seven years. Alex arrived with a suitcase full of succulents and a vow to never buy matching socks. Over time that suitcase became a shared home. Alex had a talent for fixing tiny disasters and for making people feel welcome at any hour.

One night our sink backed up and Alex told us we should treat it like a community project. Within an hour we had a plunger, pizza from the place down the road, and a playlist called Emergency Plumbing Hits. Alex taught us that problems were easier faced together and that laughter helps. I will miss the playlists and the way Alex always kept an extra mug on the counter for whoever needed it. Thank you for showing up for us in every way that mattered.

Example 2: Longtime chosen family friend, short version

Hi I am Priya. Maya was my friend since college and my chosen sister. She loved terrible romantic comedies and plants that she claimed were resilient like her. She taught me how to admit when I was wrong and how to keep trying anyway. I will hold our late night talks close and try to be as brave as she was at asking for help. Thank you for being here.

Example 3: Community leader and mentor, celebration tone

My name is Jordan. Kim kept our community calendar and showed up whenever someone needed a hand. She organized meals after surgeries and produced the best block parties in the city. She would show up to a meeting with pastries and patience and then make sure everyone left with both solutions and a hug.

What I remember most is how Kim made people feel seen. She would remember names and birthdays and the small details others forgot. She built connection like it was her job which in many ways it was. Today we celebrate her work and her enormous heart. Let us honor her by doing one small kind thing for a neighbor this week.

Fill in the blank templates

Use these templates to get started. Replace bracketed text and then read aloud and edit until it sounds like you.

Template A classic short

My name is [Your Name]. I was [Deceased s Name] friend and chosen family for [time]. [Name] loved [one hobby or habit]. One memory that shows who they were is [brief story]. They taught me [value or lesson]. We will miss [what people will miss]. Thank you for being here and for holding their memory with us.

Template B for a messy but loving relationship

I am [Your Name]. My relationship with [Name] had rough spots. We argued about [small example]. We fought and we forgave and in the end we learned how to ask for space and for help. If I could say one thing now it would be [short line you want to say].

Template C for a community leader

Hi I am [Your Name]. [Name] showed up for this neighborhood and for people who needed a lift. They organized [task] and believed in small acts repeated. My favorite story is [short story]. That story says everything about how they loved. Please join me in carrying that forward.

Delivery tips that actually help

• Print your speech Use large font. Paper is steady when emotions run high.
• Use index cards One or two lines per card keeps you from getting lost in long paragraphs.
• Mark your pauses Put a bracket where you want to breathe or where people will laugh. Pauses give you time to regroup.
• Practice out loud Read to a friend, to a plant, or to your cat. Practice tells your throat what to expect.
• Bring tissues and water Your voice might shake. A sip of water helps and a tissue is good to have.
• Have a backup Ask a trusted friend to be ready to finish a final line if you cannot continue.

How to include poems, songs, or readings

Short excerpts work best. If you include a poem pick a two to four line excerpt rather than reading a long piece. Confirm the officiant is comfortable with the selection. If you play recorded music make sure the venue can handle the track and that transitions are smooth.

Practical logistics

• Tell the person running the event if you need a microphone or a music cue.
• Confirm where you will stand and how long you are expected to speak.
• Provide a printed copy to the event organizer if they want to include the text in a program or memory book.

Sharing the eulogy afterward

People often ask for a copy. Offer to email it to family and friends. If the family wants privacy check before posting a recording online. If sharing is approved add a short note about where memorial donations can be sent or how people can contribute memories to a shared album.

Glossary and quick definitions

• Eulogy A speech honoring a person who has died.
• Obituary A written notice that lists facts about the death and service details.
• Officiant The person leading the ceremony.
• Order of service The plan for the event listing speakers readings and music.
• Pallbearer A person who helps carry a casket or plays a symbolic role if there is no casket.
• Hospice Care focused on comfort for someone nearing the end of life.
• RSVP A request for a response to an invitation so organizers know who will attend.

Frequently asked questions

How do I start a eulogy if I am nervous

Begin with your name and how you knew the person. A brief opening line like Hello my name is [Your Name] and I was [Name] roommate gives the room context and buys you a breath. Practice that line until it feels familiar. It will steady you at the microphone.

Can anyone speak at a funeral for chosen family

Yes anyone close to the person can speak but check with the family or event organizer first. Some events limit the number of speakers because of time. If you cannot speak in the main program consider speaking at a reception or adding a written note to a memory book.

What if I start crying and cannot continue

Pause, breathe, and look at your notes. Take a sip of water. If you cannot continue ask a trusted friend in advance to finish a final line. People will understand and will wait for you to collect yourself.

Should I use religious language if the family is not religious

Only if it felt meaningful to the person you are honoring. If religion was not central choose secular language focused on values memories and shared actions. Short readings or poems often work well in mixed or non religious gatherings.

How do I balance inside jokes with clarity

Use inside jokes sparingly and follow them with one sentence that explains why the joke matters. That way the people who were not in the inner circle can still follow the story and feel included.

How long should a eulogy be

Aim for three to seven minutes. Short focused speeches are often more memorable and easier to deliver. Coordinate times with other speakers if the event has multiple tributes.