How to Write a Eulogy for Your Chosen Family Member - Eulogy Examples & Tips

Writing a eulogy for someone who was chosen family can feel both tender and complicated. Chosen family means the people who were family by love and loyalty rather than by blood. You might be speaking for a best friend who was your chosen sibling, a mentor who filled a parent role, or a neighbor who became as close as a cousin. This guide gives you clear structure, real examples you can adapt, and plain language explanations for any term or acronym you might not know. Read through, pick the template that fits, and start writing with confidence.

Who this guide is for

This article is for anyone asked to speak about a chosen family member at a funeral, memorial, celebration of life, graveside service, or virtual tribute. If you were the person who witnessed their daily life, the person who understood their jokes, or the person who picked up the pieces, this guide is for you. It covers short and long options, funny and solemn tones, and scripts for messy relationships and final reconciliations.

What does chosen family mean

Chosen family are the people you select as family because of closeness trust or shared experience. This can include friends roommates partners mentors or anyone who played a consistent and meaningful role in your life. Chosen family is often used in LGBTQ communities but it applies to anyone who built family outside of biology.

Terms and acronyms explained

• Eulogy A speech that honors a person who has died. It focuses on stories memories and the impact the person had.
• Obituary A written notice publicizing a death with basic facts and service info. It is not the same as a eulogy.
• Order of service The schedule for a funeral or memorial listing readings music and speakers.
• Officiant The person who leads the funeral or memorial. They might be religious or secular.
• Celebration of life A less formal event that focuses on stories photos and shared memories.
• Hospice Care aimed at comfort and quality of life for someone nearing the end of life. It can be provided at home or in a facility.
• LGBTQ Stands for lesbian gay bisexual transgender queer or questioning. It is often used when talking about communities that rely on chosen family.
• RSVP A request to respond to an invitation so organizers know who will attend.

Why a eulogy for chosen family can feel different

Chosen family relationships can be especially layered. There may not be legal ties or formal titles. People in the room might include work friends partners old roommates and biological relatives who did not share the same intimate access. That means your eulogy can serve as a map for people who loved the person in different ways. You get to explain what the person meant to you and why their chosen place in your life mattered.

How long should the eulogy be

Between three and seven minutes generally works well. That is roughly 400 to 800 spoken words. If multiple people are speaking check with the officiant or family to set a time limit. Short and honest usually carries more emotional weight than long rambling remarks.

Prep checklist before you write

• Ask the officiant how long you can speak and when you will go in the order of service.
• Decide the tone. Are you aiming for funny warm solemn blunt or a little bit of all of those?
• Collect two to five concrete memories from friends family or roommates. Small specific details beat broad statements.
• Choose three things you want listeners to remember about your person. Three is a manageable number to structure a speech around.
• Confirm pronunciation of any names places or phrases you will say. Even small mistakes can throw you off while you are speaking.

Structure that actually works

Use this simple shape to give your eulogy a clear arc and emotional rhythm.

• Opening Say your name your relationship and one sentence that sets the tone.
• Life sketch Offer a short overview of the person in practical strokes. This is not a biography. Focus on roles and what made them themselves.
• Anecdotes Tell one to three short stories that reveal character. Keep each story focused and finish with why it matters.
• Values and impact Summarize the lessons they taught or the ways they changed people s lives.
• Closing Offer a goodbye line a short quote a call to action like sharing a memory or lighting a candle.

How to choose a tone for a chosen family eulogy

Chosen family relationships can be playful fierce protective and messy all at once. Match the tone to who they were and what the family wants. If the person loved a joke and would expect laughter then include it. If the community is grieving deeply keep it more tender. When in doubt ask a close friend who knew the person well.

Opening lines that work

Open with a simple identity statement and a small image or fact that grounds your words. Here are some starters you can adapt.

• Hi I am Jordan and I was Maya s chosen little sibling of the heart. Maya taught me how to fold a fitted sheet and how to hold steady when life got messy.
• Hello everyone I am Sam. I was Alex s work best friend for ten years. If you ever needed a playlist for a breakup or a victory Alex had one ready.
• Good afternoon I am Priya and I got to be Tara s chosen family. Tara made sure no one left the living room without a full plate and an ear to listen.

Life sketch for chosen family

The life sketch is a quick portrait not a timeline. Mention where they loved to be who they showed up as and the roles they played in your community.

Templates

• [Name] loved [place or hobby]. They worked as [job] and in their free time they were the person who [habit]. Many of us knew them as [role] who always [small repeated action].
• [Name] came into my life when [brief context like college or moving to town]. Over time they became my chosen family because [reason]. They were the kind of person who [value expressed with an example].

Anecdotes that actually land

One good story is stronger than five vague memories. Keep anecdotes sensory and with a small payoff. Each story should show a trait and then tie to who they were.

Example structure

• Setup: Where and when did this happen
• Action: What did they do
• Payoff: What does that moment reveal

Short anecdote examples

• When my phone died during a cross country move they drove two hours to hand me a charger and stayed to help unpack. That was their default setting. They made time even when they did not have it.
• At every holiday they insisted on one ridiculous game that always devolved into interpretive dance. It was chaotic and it was how they said we belong to each other.
• They ran a neighborhood cookbook drive and then used every extra jar of sauce to host an open kitchen night. Food was how they made people feel safe.

How to handle complicated or nontraditional relationships

Chosen family can include healed rifts and messy histories. You do not have to glorify or minimize. Honesty with dignity lands best.

Examples for complexity

• We were not related by blood and for years I thought of them as a roommate. Somewhere between late night talks and sofa bed conversations they became my family and I am so grateful.
• They could be sharp and stubborn. I learned to listen even when I thought they were wrong because they meant well and they loved hard.
• We had a falling out once and then found our way back. That return taught me about forgiveness and about the messy work of choosing family.

Using humor without awkwardness

Humor is often necessary to breathe in a heavy room. Use small earned jokes not cheap shots. Make sure the joke belongs to the person you are honoring.

Safe humor examples

• They had one rule for guests. If you drank the last beer you did dishes. They enforced it with a level of intensity usually reserved for national anthems.
• They wore socks with sandals and then insisted fashion approval was optional. We loved them anyway and we will miss their questionable footwear choices.

What to avoid in a eulogy for chosen family

• Avoid unfiltered gossip or airing private conflicts that will hurt people in the room.
• Avoid long lists of achievements without a story that makes those achievements human.
• Avoid joking at the expense of someone who could be hurt by it.
• Avoid making the eulogy a platform for unresolved disputes even if you are tempted to be blunt. You can be truthful without being cruel.

Full eulogy examples you can adapt

Each example follows the structure above. Replace bracketed text with your details and read aloud to edit for sound and timing.

Example 1: Chosen sibling style three minute version

Hi everyone I am Morgan. Chloe and I met in a tiny studio apartment and we fought about the freezer space for three years. Somewhere between late night cereal and learning how to fix a leaking faucet Chloe became my chosen sister.

Chloe worked at a school and she brought that care into every part of her life. She knew more bedtime stories than she had kids and she had a way of listening that made you feel important even if you were ranting about small things.

One Saturday she taught me how to build a birdhouse. It was less about carpentry and more about patience. She would sand a rough edge until it felt right and then step back like she was quietly proud. That is who she was. She fixed things with her hands and with her heart.

She taught me how to show up without fanfare and how to make soup like a hug. I will miss the little notes she left on my fridge and the way she made me laugh when I thought I could not. Thank you for being here and for holding Chloe with us today.

Example 2: Mentor who was chosen parent short version

Hello I am Daniel. For ten years Maya gave me work advice life advice and the kind of tough love I did not know I needed. She was my chosen parent and she did not take that role lightly.

Maya would tell you the truth even when it stung and then follow it up with an offer to help. That balance is rare. When my career hit a wall she sat with me for hours and then pointed me toward a new path. She celebrated small wins like they were huge.

I carry her voice with me and I will honor her by doing the same for someone else. Thank you Maya for believing in me and for making a path where there was none.

Example 3: Celebration of life tone humorous and warm

Hi I am Rosa. If you knew Ben you knew about his ridiculous hat collection and his belief that karaoke was a public service. Ben made a point to know everyone s name and favorite ice cream flavor. That is how he loved people.

We will remember his terrible dance moves his commitment to charity runs and the fact that he once convinced a coffee shop to change their music playlist for an entire week. Today we celebrate him with stories food and a terrible playlist in the lobby. Please keep sharing your Ben moments with us.

Fill in the blank templates

Use these templates as a starting point and then make them sound like you.

Template A classic short

My name is [Your Name]. I was [Name s] [friend chosen sibling chosen partner mentor]. [Name] loved [one hobby]. They were the person who always [small habit]. One memory that shows who they were is [brief story]. They taught me [value or lesson]. We will miss [what people will miss]. Thank you for being here.

Template B for complicated relationships

My name is [Your Name]. Our relationship with [Name] had its seasons. We fought we made up and then we built something that felt like family by choice. One thing I will always hold is [short memory]. If I could say one thing now it would be [short line you want to say].

Template C light and funny

Hi I am [Your Name]. To know [Name] was to know their parking lot barbecues and their inability to be on time. They taught me to laugh at ourselves and to always bring extra napkins. My favorite memory is [funny small story]. I will miss their laugh and their terrible playlists.

Practical tips for delivery

• Print your speech Use large font so you can see through tears. Paper is less likely to glitch than a phone.
• Use index cards One or two lines per card helps you keep pace and reduces the chance of losing your place.
• Mark emotional beats Put a bracket or a note where you expect to pause to breathe or where the audience will laugh or clap.
• Rehearse out loud Practice to a friend or into your phone. Speaking it aloud helps you find natural rhythm and timing.
• Bring water and tissues Small practical items matter. A pause to sip water is a perfectly fine way to regain composure.
• Have a backup Ask a close friend to be ready to step in if you cannot continue. Arrange a small signal so they know when to go.
• Mic technique Keep the microphone a few inches from your mouth and speak slowly to help your words carry without straining.

When you break down while speaking

If tears come that is okay and expected. Pause take a breath and look down at your notes. Slow your pace when you resume. The room will give you time. If you cannot continue ask your backup friend to read a closing line or a short poem that you pick ahead of time.

Including poems music and readings

Short readings work best. Choose a two to four line poem excerpt or a short quote that meant something to them. If you plan music ask the officiant if a recorded track is allowed and test audio ahead of time. Place music before you speak after a story or as a moment of reflection.

Logistics and what to tell

• Tell the funeral director if you need a microphone or a lectern.
• Confirm where you will stand and where people will sit so you can make eye contact with friends who need support.
• Give a printed copy to the person running the order of service in case they need it for the program or to fill time.

Recording and sharing the eulogy

Check with close family or friends before posting audio or video online. Some people want privacy. If sharing is okay include a short note that explains why you are sharing and how people can send memories or donations if relevant.

Glossary of useful terms and acronyms

• Chosen family People you consider family based on emotional bonds and shared life experiences rather than biology.
• Eulogy A spoken tribute at a funeral or memorial honoring the person who died.
• Obituary A public notice of a death that lists key facts and service details.
• Order of service The program that outlines the sequence of events at a funeral or memorial.
• Officiant The person who leads the service whether they are religious or secular.
• Celebration of life A less formal gathering that emphasizes stories photos and shared memories.
• Hospice Care focused on comfort for someone nearing the end of life. It can be at home or in a facility.
• LGBTQ An acronym for lesbian gay bisexual transgender and queer or questioning communities that often rely on chosen family.
• RSVP A request to respond to an invitation so hosts know who will attend.

Frequently asked questions

How do I start a eulogy if I am nervous

Begin with your name and your relationship to the person. A short opening line like Hello my name is [Your Name] and I was [Name s] chosen sibling gives context and buys you a breath. Practice that opening until it feels familiar.

What if our chosen family member was nontraditional and some relatives will be there

Be clear about who you are speaking for and include facts that help people understand the person s role in the community. Keep stories specific and kind. If relatives have questions they can speak privately afterwards.

Can I include jokes about them

Yes as long as the humor is earned kind and would have been appreciated by the person. Avoid anything that might humiliate people in the room or make their grief harder.

What if I cannot get through it because I am too upset

Have a trusted friend prepared to finish a closing line or read a short poem. Arrange a simple signal so they know when to step in. The audience will understand and support you.

Do I need to talk about legal or biographical details

Not unless the family asked you to. A eulogy is personal memory not a public record. Leave formal announcements like service times and obituary details to the officiant or family.

How do I honor someone who rejected labels or roles

Respect that preference in your language. Use the names pronouns and descriptors they used. Focus on experiences and values rather than forced roles.